First Day of School

The First Day Jitters: Rachel Loses Balance, Dignity

I am having that first day of school experience that I tell myself I won't have, and ALWAYS end up having. Even as a teacher! I am doomed!

On my first day of high school I fell off the school bus! I was wearing platform shoes so I just toppled right off. And everyone was like "ARE YOU OKAAAY????" but I just got up and tried to disappear into the crowd as best I can. I told myself it was not the end of the world and I would live to see another day. Then I fell down in the hallway. And later I fell up some stairs. Apparently, my feet could not get it together that day.

I am kind of reliving that day.
In fact, I tell that story in my introductory speech, which I have written for my intro at the assembly (read: WAS FORCED TO WRITE). I made the mistake of writing it in English and in Japanese..... which I was helped with. But writing something and speaking something are different. And speaking in front of a mass of giggly teenagers who I've never met in my life is terrifying even though I am no longer a teenager. I think there is a part of us that stays a teenager forever. The part of us that dies of embarrassment when we feel like we're being judged.

Yesterday was fine. It was 9am and the students weren't even awake yet. I gave my speech, made no mistakes, and the students seemed to enjoy it and I immediately fell in love with all of them for not giggling through my speech or making me feel like more of an ass. I'm sure I was bright red after it anyway, I always blush when I have to do stuff like that.

Flashback to the first time I had to pitch a film idea in class, freshman year. I stuttered through my written proposal and people started laughing and making joke proposals about where the film could go (which I would later find hilarious as every one recommending things became my best friends not long after). The distractions of the people trying to lighten up my nerves made it worse, and I ended up turning bright red, not being able to say a word and nearly bursting into tears. Ironically it was Randall that came to my aid with constructive criticism and asked if I could show the class my storyboards (as he was the TA at the time). I couldn't get it together that day either.

Nearly four years later, I find myself standing in front of the bigger Ine junior high school class. Already the kids are giggling. It is not helping my nerves. I'm already preoccupied with the fact that I was unable to finish my lunch. Although delicious, it was seriously too much food. Curry, rice, orange pudding atop of weird seaweed (which is good but strange) which is called tokoroten (ところてん）, milk, an apple that I brought from home, and somen or そうめんサラダ, which is cucumber, carrot, noodles, egg and way too much mayonnaise. So everything was edible, and most things were quite delicious. But I really just can't eat that much for lunch!!! I never do! My big meals are breakfast and dinner. Mostly breakfast. Breakfast which I had eaten 3 or 4 hours previous, and I wasn't hungry to begin with. I couldn't finish. And in Japan, EVERYONE finishes their meal. Even these 75 pound women with the 14" waists were wolfing down their school lunch. I felt so embarrassed that I ate way more than I wanted to, and that somen might as well have been live slugs b/c I was not enjoying anything I put in my mouth. I was literally force feeding myself. It was disgusting.

Flashback to my 6th grade play when I forgot every single one of my lines and had to elbow the person next to me so they would go instead.

So after disgracing myself at lunch, not to mention feeling sick from too much mayo-noodle-salad-death™, I had to give my speech. Which brings us back to the gym full of giggling teenagers.

I messed up soooooooo maaaaany words. I kept telling myself "they're not giggling at YOU they're not even paying attention to you! They're giggling because they are 12 year old girls and that is what 12 year old girls DO" but it didn't help. Every giggle made me turn more scarlet, and every messed up word made me want to jump out a window. Finally it was over and I got down.

This is the first time I've wanted to cry since coming to Japan. But at least the speeches are over, and the next time I have to talk in front of the kids it will be in ENGLISH and I will be the one giggling at THEM!!!!! ...in a constructive and nurturing way.

I mean this day can only get worse, so maybe it will be my bad day for the week and I can look forward to fun happy things that make me not feel like a slug.