Going Back (Thursday, June 18)

Michele and Zaydeh picked me up not long after and I spent the day being exhausted with Oren and Michele and Mo (my cousin). They took me out to dinner and I met their nice friends Ed and Marsha and ate a hamburger and wished my life were better. That night I sat in a king size bed and watched ABC programming until I passed out in front of the TV – waking up just in time to run to the airport for my guaranteed flight.

I flew from Seattle to Vancouver to Tokyo to Osaka that day, but it didn’t feel as long as it was. I watched movies, ate more pizza, and enjoyed the last bits of circulated air conditioning before going back to Japan. Unfortunately I had missed my two days of elementary schooled, leaving me with a lot of guilt and a completely screwed up school schedule. It would have to wait.
From Osaka, I managed to catch the last trains up to Tango and to Natanya’s area. I didn’t have the energy left to drive home, so I slept on her floor and didn’t wake up for 13 hours.

I spent the weekend in my house catching up on laundry because the weather was hot and sunny for the first time in weeks. I spent some time with Natanya and Kate, but left their company early on Sunday to go home and feel miserable.

When it comes to the condo and owing money undeservedly, it could be the end of the world if I let it. But I won’t. I can deal with those things because they don’t matter. But not having my grandmother still weighs heavily on me, and I feel like there’s nothing to do but let it crush me until … until it doesn’t, I guess. I’m sad most of the time, but I know it’s going to get better. And I know that my next trip to Seattle will be one way, and under better circumstances. At least I hope so.

The Funeral

Dressed in black, we met Zaydeh for breakfast at the hotel. Zaydeh smiled at seeing us in such unusual garb and commented, “Who decided on this colour anyway?” He had a point. I was one of very few people at the actual funeral who were all in black.
Breakfast was awful. I was smiling too much, trying to make everyone feel better. My sister was quiet, my mother was sad, and Zaydeh was distraught. He couldn’t believe he was burying his wife of 64 years – and neither could we. Those two had always been a formidable unit of teasing, cooking, and never-ending affection. The question began to rise in my mind, “What are you supposed to do when your family is broken?”
Sitting between my sister and my eleven-year-old cousin, Mo, I felt ridiculous. “I can’t believe I’m at my grandmother’s funeral. I’ve never been to a funeral and now I’m at her’s! Impossible.” In the past few years all of my four grandparents have been teetering into poorer health, but I never thought that Bubbeh would be the first to go.
My grandmother, being an unwavering defender of the women’s liberation, was honoured by a female canter in a purple suit. The canter, as it turned out, was the first women ever to perform a ceremony in the Orthodox Jewish cemetery where Bubbeh was buried. Breaking the moulds even after life. The canter led us in Yiddish folk songs and in prayers. We followed the pallbearers to the gravesite beneath a magnificent old tree. The tree reminded me so much of Bubbeh, it almost surged with her spirit. I immediately identified it as “The Bubbeh Tree” and I feel confident that it was a place she would have picked out herself, though my grandparents had never reserved their final resting places – optimists well into their mid 80’s. We took turns shoveling earth onto her grave and returned to Elliot Bay for her reception.

At the reception, I felt like I didn’t want to be around people anymore. I had no appetite, though the platters in front of me looked delicious (Bubbeh would not have held back – she was a champion eater). I took a glass of wine and sat out on the steps, looking out at the bay, thinking of how unfair it was for God to take someone we all needed so, so much. Bubbeh said, “God will never let the world end so long as there are ten good people in it.” But with her gone, we’re down to nine.
When I returned to the reception, people had begun telling stories about their times spent with Bubbeh. It was a gift that I was able to remember her through so many different people. She was kind, a good listener, never shied away from making friends with complete strangers, she could out-eat just about anyone, and she never sat down at the dinner table when she was cooking. She truly wanted to know everyone, and she wanted to understand people fully and without judgment. I hope that every one of us was able to take home a part of her spirit and that it makes us all better people in the future.

After everyone went home (“it’s like herding cats!”), I resisted the jet lag induced urge to nap for the next 19 hours and waited for Megan to get off work. Fortunately for me, her office was the next building over from my hotel. It was really nice to see her again – it had been nearly a year since she left Japan! But I was weighed down by grief and exhaustion and I don’t think I expressed my happiness as well as I could have. She took me and Laura out to a great happy hour place where we ate yam fries and tried local beers. It was nice having all of the funeral things over with and being able to relax a little bit, even though we were still very sad. Bubbeh had always known that food could cure just about anything; and I think she and yam fries would have been fast friends.

Goodbye, lovely teachers!

It's teacher transfer time! Unfortunately all of my favourite people are leaving... which is awful. But as I would be leaving them in 4 months (WHOOOHOHOOHH) anyway, it's better to rip off the band-aid now. But it's still so hard saying goodbye to people when you're pretty certain that it's goodbye forever.

Matsuda先生, Nakani先生, me, & Aimi先生 ~
ありがとうございました！
 

So, a tribute to my favourite teachers at Ine who are leaving, Nakani-sensei the school nurse and Aimi-sensei, my JTE. Aimi sensei really inspried me to become a teacher and gave me a good grasp of how to teach English. So for that I will always remember her, and I wish her the best of luck at her new school.

At least it was a beautiful day outside, and I cleaned a bit more of the downstairs of my house. I'm looking forward to a time when the weather will allow me to live in the other 90% of my home.

London and Emotional Rollercoasters

Well it was quite the whirlwind vacation to England! Last year I only saw my Dad for 3 days before he had to go on a business trip, but this time he took 2 weeks off and we did NOTHING (not even Belgium things!) I don't think I've ever accomplished so much nothing on a vacation before... it was fantastic.

The pound is doing poorly, which made me happy because it meant that not everything was ridiculously expensive (only practically expensive). So, I bought lots of yarn and an ipod and some clothes. Good purchases all around.

Family is all doing well. Mama is still crazybonkers and my Dad likes the wii fit a LOT. Laura is good and is rocking a most interesting bouffant sort of hairdo most days. I don't know if this is on purpose. Dogs are well, except that Shekel is going blind! He is starting to look like the scary old rat, Nicodemus, from the Rats of NIMH! Oh no! But my cousins' pets had to be put to sleep first thing in 2009 (RIP Licorice the dog and Cosmo the cat). So weird. It was in 24 hours of each other, too. Different households to boot! What crap luck. Anyway I am thankful for my aging, blind, obnoxious dog.

For Christmas my mom cooked a ham and a chicken and a million side dishes, which actually made up for not having Thanksgiving with them this year. I ate so much ham, I may actually be 14% ham by volume now. They'll call me Ham Sreebny and I will excreet ham at them. Through my EYES.

Um.. for new years we sampled scotches from around the woooooorld (and got drunk) and played British Trivial Pursuit which has questions such as,
"Which town in Northern Britain was first to achieve an electric tramway and to this day still utilizies trams."
An American such as myself first asks the question , "wtf is a tram?"
The answer is Blackpool... or Liverpool.... or Blacksomething. I forgot. Needless to say I did not earn a single wedge.
The funny thing about England is not that they pronounce everything silly and phrase things strangely

"How many noses has a slug?"(the answer is 4). (I got that one right out of guessing).

Other than that, I utilized high speed internet and filled that big empty void in my life called "intimacy" with three human bodies around me at all times, and watched the first season of 30 rock. Come to think of it, my ma pa and sister were the ONLY people I had contact with in those 2 weeks, which is probably why it was so hard to depart.

The long flights and long train rides back were full of me half being horrified about leaving and going back to Japan where I feel gloomy lonely and empty most of the time and half me crying from exhaustion after being up for too many hours and never having any idea where my trains were supposed to be... also tooooo many suitcases and no escalaters make Rachel very unhappy. When I got to Fukuchiyama station and missed my train by 10 seconds b/c my bags couldn't be carried up the stairs quickly enough, I just burst into tears. Some girl with Japanese about as good as mine had to help me ask about other trains because I was so exhausted that I didn't have the energy to tell her that "I can understand the schedule I'm just crying because my body wants me to let it die." Anyway thanks, mystery girl! You saved me a bit of trouble.

Yumi's mother was a saint and picked me up from the train station. My car was a saint for not running out of gas on the way home. The weather was a saint for not raining or snowing.

Getting back home finally at midnight was weird. I had to take a bath because it was too cold to get into bed otherwise and once I was in bed and shut off the lights I had that dawning realisation that "AUGH OH NO I'M BACK HERE AND HERE IS WHERE I AM!!!!!" And had the same realizaton when I got up at 645 for work. "Oh no it wasn't a dream, I'm still here.... it's like I never left nNOooOoooooo!!!!"

So I've been feeling on and off depressed for the past 48 hours or so. But once teh sun finally came out and it was all beautiful and the waterfall was out and I had a nice drive to work it didn't seem quite as bleak. Nighttime just seems darker when there's no one else around.

Apparently my students did well above average on their English standardized tests so my BOE is happy with me for a change (even after me nagging at them about me going to that conference in 2 weeks). Phew. Our boss took everyone out for lunch at the sushi place down the street. Sitting down and knowing I could eat everything and HOW to eat everything made me realize that coming back is SO easy that it doesn't feel right.

It really doesn't feel like you should be able to wake up next to your sister in a proper house with central heating and say hi to your dogs and drink coffee wtih your dad and go for a ride in the car to the airport and spend that same night at your frigid empty house in rural Japan. It's so jarring that I feel a little bit crazy. That's why it seems like the vacation never actually happened, which is kind of depressing in itself.

Anyway I don't know what's wrong with me but I am preeeetty sure I am some kind of depressed right now. Seeinga psychiatrist in Japan sounds like more trouble than it's worth but I wanted to put this out there to everyone since it's a new year and I don't want people to think that I hate everything. I really just go back and forth between loving it here and hating it here and it never seems to sit in the middle. I just feel like I seem to be preventing myself from doing things I shoudl want to do. Like my friends here are awesome but I never feel like going out with them and it doesn't stop me from feeling lonely most of the time. I have a good job and I work well with my coworkers but I still feel like nobody there respects me and I am a really crappy teacher. I just feel like I am trapped inside myself and it's preventing me from having the fun I deserve to be having during my last 7 months. I also keep comparing myself to others which makes me embarassed about not having a good time in Japan when it seems like everyone else it -- but everyone HATES life in the winter! Why can't I see this????

Anyway I'm back and after work I am going to go home and sleep SO HARD. Meanwhile the monkeys are calling to me... "Happy 2009!" They seemed to screech.

Rachel

Long time, no write

Long Time, No Write.
July 14th – September 1st

I HAVEN’T WRITTEN IN ABOUT TWO OR THREE MONTHS… for that I apologize. It’s not that there wasn’t a lot to write about, it’s more that I’ve spent the past two or so months being broke, being busy, and being boring. The three B’s of my summer.
AFTER MY SISTER LEFT JAPAN, things calmed down. I had no more trips planned and I was looking forward to the summer holiday where school would pause and I would move down to Kyoto City to take part in an expensive and intensive Japanese language course. As school slowed down, I was feeling less and less like I wanted to be a part of it. The hours seemed to be growing longer, rather like the summer days. As the heat penetrated the thin walls of my house and workplace, I was feeling the beginnings of cabin fever. By the time mid-July rolled around and it was time to move South for the Summer, I was ready

The apartment

MY SUMMER AWAY FROM INE began around July 13th. I drove down to Yagi where I left my car for multiple days (and on more than one occasion). Good ol free parking… I dragged my suitcase and coffee machine all the way to my ridiculously far away area called Takaragaike/宝ケ池 (the lake of treasures). My dorm room was small but had all the necessities; an Air Conditioner (hallelujah!), a mini-fridge, burner, desk, microwave, faux-closet, faux-bathroom, and a television. I felt at home in such a small space since I’ve been feeling for the past few months (ever since my absence of my sister and family) that my house is just too damn big for one person (and one weasel). My empty nest syndrome began to subside, although I was missing Kirby like crazy. I met my neighbour, Nina, who was very sweet and very good-looking. After many failed attempts to introduce her to Ian (for karma/booty purposes), she and I became bus-buddies and made small talk in the internet lounge while I helped her do her homework (and procrastinated my own).


THE NEXT WEEK, Leigh moved into my house. This was a great relief to the both of us as she was doing me the huge favour of watching my house and pet while I was gone. Although it may have been a relief for Leigh to have a place to put her unpacked belongings, I don’t think the distance did her any favours. In any case, she no longer lived in her house of two years, and I no longer lived in the inaka. It was a weird week for everyone.

BACK IN KYOTO FOR MY SECOND WEEK, I took Megan on board. Megan who had been my only true contact outside of the two-facedness of my year in Tango… Megan who had been my senpai, my teacher, and my friend. I’ll be honest, after three days of spending money I didn’t have, staying out late and ignoring my studies (why did I pay $800 for language class again? Certainly not to study), I was really ready for Megan to leave when the morning came. Not happy, but certainly not upset. She was ready to go home, and I was ready to get back to my temporary life.


HOWEVER, BY MY THIRD WEEK in Kyoto I was crippled with depression. Megan was gone. She wasn’t gone forever – hell she moved to Seattle, so it’s not like this is quits for us, but… she was gone. And Megan had been the best part of my past year in Japan. Without Megan I would never have found all the cool places in Kyoto, I would never have learned what “purikura” truly is, and I would never have had a warm home away from home during the long winter when I felt I had no one else in the world. For me it was impossibly hard to admit that my world was basically broken now that she was gone. After all, I still had good friends in Kyoto! Lauren, Greg and Ian weren’t going anywhere! Plus Leigh was still at my house in Ine – why was I so sad? Why was I so set on not making a single friend at my language school? Why was suddenly for the first time in 11 months feeling like I was the least extraordinary human being ever to walk the face of this fine earth? It hit me like a bus.

BY MY FOURTH WEEK IN KYOTO, I was ready to go home. Home to Ine. I wasn’t sure if I was going to feel happy back in the inaka after all the swank city living… but I also hadn’t done too much swank city living! Fortunately for my sanity, Ian hung out with me a LOT after Megan left. We did cultural activities like going to a museum, walking aimlessly, and accidentally rolling our beers into the Kamo River (well, that was mostly me). We talked a lot about non-Megan related things; Japanese, the newcomer AETs, and Ian’s girl problems. It was refreshing! It seemed like July and August were passing in a flash and I wasn’t even sure what I wanted out of JET or Japan anymore.

MY LAST WEEKEND IN KYOTO I ditched the class’ sayonara party to go up to my house for one day to help Leigh and Steve move out of it. It took a VERY long time – much longer than expected. It involved a lot of sweating, driving around, shipping boxes, and keeping Leigh and Steve hydrated and alive (I don’t think they had slept in days because they had been so busy saying goodbye to everyone they’d ever met in Tango). Despite the exhaustion, it was a really good thing to go back and hang out with the two of them one last time before they would leave Kyoto Prefecture for Kyushyu. I don’t’ think I had anticipated the emptiness I now feel without Leigh. She was a true friend, and without her my times in Tango would have been even bleaker. They dropped me off at Ayabe station and I began my intensely long and awful journey back to my too-far-away-for-no-reason apartment and then met up with Lauren and Ian for beer at the river. I was in the worst mood of my life by the time I met them – but they cheered me up with McDonald’s and booze. We then met up with my coworkers for international karaoke – not to be missed. They really like U2 in Italy.

MY VERY LAST NIGHT in Kyoto was spent in a big crowd of sweaty, distressed and camera-toting Japanese tourists. We had gathered to watch Daimonji (large, lit up kanji on the hills of Kyoto to help guid the spirits from Obon back to Heaven). It was NOT worth it, but it was nice to hang out with Ian and his two friends from home for about 15 minutes before trudging off to meet Leigh and Steve for their last supper in Kyoto.

MY FINAL TRIP BACK HOME after moving out of my dorm was uneventful. However, as soon as I glimpsed the bright blue sparkling water that outlines the coast that I live on, I felt like it was a breath of fresh air. I had really forgotten how beautiful it was where I live, and I felt relieved to be home. I was less relieved to spend the evening fixing my toilet and mopping up the floor, but there’s probably karma in there somewhere. I DID squish a lot of bugs in my Kyoto apartment.


SINCE THEN, IT’S BEEN MEETING the new JET participants. This has involved multiple trips down to Kyoto for conferences, beer gardens, and mingling. I even gave a speech about living in the countryside of Japan, which didn’t go over as poorly as I had anticipated. I kicked a chair by accident, but nobody was severely injured. It was strange and new being a “senpai”, but I was happy to feel knowledgeable for the first time since senior year of college. I’m quite burnt out from all the “newbie” activities, but it’s nice to be on the “old” side of things instead of the “new and sparkly” side. The wide-eyed JET thing got pretty old for me pretty fast, and now I can sit back and relax for the next 12 months before I leave. So, kanpai to that.

UNTIL THE START OF THE SECOND SCHOOL TERM, I was still feeling an on and off depression about losing all of my friends, forcing myself to be social with people I don’t really know, and finding time to do all the laundry I had produced after about 3 weeks of NOT doing any. Thankfully school has resumed and now I feel like I can get back to my life, as unorganized as it may be. My September goal really should be organizing my house, life, and daily habits … but probably I’ll just watch all the TV shows that are coming back on itunes. I’m an admittedly imperfect person. [TV PROMO PICS]

THERE’S MORE TO BE SAID, and there’s a lot I’ve left out… but I think that’s all you get for now.

PS – Kirby celebrated his first birthday! What would I do without him? Probably mop less…

kirby eats ice cubes.

Stupid need for human contact.

I had somewhat of an "episode" last night when I finally got a decent enough skype connection with my mother... It was really embarassing, but it has to do with living in Japan and as such, merits going in this blog. Plus I find that honest moments are the most interesting to look back on, so in 5 years if I read this... uhhh... I hope it's interesting?

Well yesterday I couldn't go to Marina's birthday party because it was snowing way too hard for me to get there and back in one evening in one piece. I spared myself some death-defying driving and stayed in with the ferret and the heater. It was fine.

But as the sun set and I ran out of people to talk to online, I started feeling a bit lonesome. On top of everything, my "super computer" imac has stopped playing the Sims (for reasons that are to computery to put into this entry) and has started freezing more often. I thought "macs didn't freeze", or whatever. Plus, playing computer games tends to be all that I do with my free time (aside from movies, reading and studying). I am not a "big gamer", but it's something to take my mind off of boredom and it passes the time really quickly! So without the ability to play games, I felt like I honestly had nothing to occupy my time.

My internet connection isn't good. It's spotty and generally slow as molasses. I don't need high speed internet to LIVE of course, ... but it also means Skype doesn't work that well. Which means I can't physically speak to anyone without a terrible connection and constant hang ups. So... that on top of being stuck in my house and having generally nobody to talk to/nothing to do in my town sometimes really wears me down. Never this much, though.

On the phone with my mother, I finally just broke down into hypoventalation and trying to vent my frustrations so I could breathe properly again. My mom keeps mentioning taht I should just transfer or ask to move closer to Ine to get better internet and be that much closer to humanity. But, I can't transfer out of Honjo just because of internet! It's so lame... and I love my town/schools/job/general lifestyle here. I'm just not a perfect person.

But, I will tell my PA (Ian) about it and maybe just venting to him will help. Plus he has to listen to me, it's his job.

Rachel

Stupid omelette-grabbin' stairs

Well, the week has been generally uneventful. I did manage to make a delicious omelette, fall UP my stairs and get delicious omelette on every single step! Makes me miss having apartments with one floor :( And I miss it being warm enough to eat at my table in the kitchen! Someday...

I am supposed to be at elementary school today, but two of the grades have the flu so there's basically no school! So, I am at the Board of Education all day being ... bored of education?

I went to visit the Yoshida's and to see Leigh on Valentine's day. I hadn't seen either of them in a really long time so it was a relief to catch up and to speak to other human beings and all that. We had delicious spicy tofu soup, curry, and Yoshida Bread mmm. The road from Iwataki until the mountain pass to Yasaka was covered in beautiful snow last night. Had the Yoshida's known this, they'd have made me stay wiht Leigh for the night :D But it was fun winding up the snowy road at 15 mph and looking athe pretty trees. Didn't get home until pretty late though.

On the way home, I couldn't help but feel really alone. Not lonely, just alone. And certainly not because of Valentine's day (which is a celebration of all things pink and heart-shaped as far as I am concerned). I think it happens when I hang out with people who have social lives around their homes. Or people who are close with their neighbors or Japanese friends and families. I really don't have anything like that in Ine and I don't think that I will. I am happy to stay at home and keep to myself most days... that doesn't bother me at all. I don't feel like I am missing out either. It just makes me extremely aware of how much time I spend alone. I think it just sort of hit me last night on the drive home.

Anyway I have to go to a birthday party this weekend that I am not keen on going to so much. It's kind of funny how the more time I spend alone, the less I actually want to go out and be social with people. Once a week is really enough! I suppose it's the hermit in me.