Poisonous Centipedes Dream of Electric Sheep

Centipede Celebrates Independence Day; Dies

The weather can't seem to make up its mind. Sometimes it's sunny and warm, and more often it's rainy and very humid outside. Usually they call this 梅雨 (tsuyu) or "rainy season". Ian always says that Japan can't have both "four seasons" and a "rainy season". Someone's lying somewhere I guess! In any case, rainy season is usually over by the first few days of July from what I remember, but it doesn't seem to want to leave this time.

I went to a 4th of July BBQ hosted by Natanya's English conversation group ladies in Kumihama. The weather wasn't exactly BBQ-esque -- it was misty with on and off drizzling. However, the BBQ was a lot of fun! They prepared meat, fish, vegetables, and squid. Yum! Not to mention that Rachel2 and Greg came up from the city/Yagi to come celebrate Americamas™! Thanks to the rain, nobody got bug-bitten or sunburned.

Afterwards we went to Natanya's house to sleep and have dinner. We clonked out pretty early (around 1 or 2am) and slept through the snores, murmurs and heat. And by, "we slept", I mean everybody made a lot of noise in their sleep while I prayed for dawn.

The next morning, I got up from underneath my desk bright and early, packed up my blankets and put my things in my car. After awhile, Kate, R2 and Greg also woke up and joined me in the kitchen for general sitting around and yawning. Natanya woke up last, and with a blood-curdling scream.

"MUKADE ON MY CEILING! IT'S ON MY CEEILIIIIING".

The rest of us ran to see, and sure enough there was an 8-inch, crimson, poisonous centipede crawling along the crevice connecting Natanya's bedroom wall to her ceiling. About 5 feet above where I was sleeping 30 minutes previous. Shudder.

"Natanya, calm down and get your mukade spray."
"It's HUGE."
"Yes! You're not wrong. But you need to get your mukade spray now."
"OK."

Natanya then handed me cockroach spray. It was worth a shot.

So I sprayed the mukade, causing it to fall with a loud 'thwup' onto her bedroom tatami floor. It started chasing me because I was spraying it with poison (poison that wasn't doing a lot!) This was when I called for backup.

"Natanya! GET THE SHOE! GET THE SHOE AND KILL IT! KILL IT NOW!!!! NOOOOOWWWW! DON'T CHASE MEEEEEEE!!!!"

Natanya pummeled that centipede with her hiking boot six times before it stopped moving. Six! After the hard part was over, it was time to extract the crushed, poisonous mukade from the floor and throw it in a bag... but mukade are really disgusting to look at, so this was harder than we'd thought. First I put on rubber gloves and got tin foil to pick it up and throw it in a garbage bag. The adrenaline from moments ago had me shaking, and I wasn't able to hold my hand still enough to pick it up. So, Natanya tried while I held teh garbage bag. The mukade's head then twitched and we shrieked like banshees.

"HOW is it still ALIVE?!?!?!"

Eventually we had Greg "Hero of Our Times" Khezrnejat come and pick up the mukade, wrap it in newspaper, and throw it in the garbage bag. Success!

There wasn't much to do afterwards except eat toast in silence and every so often make a comment about how big centipedes in Japan can be. Natanya's feelings of deep regret for not re-contracting or staying in Kaya longer rapidly dissipated. I thinks he's happier to go home now.

Natanya: "I want to go home now."
Kate: "This is my impression of Golem doing Disco"

Later on, I drove home and Kate joined me at the Honjo beach for some sun in the afternoon. We talked about leaving and what we want to do next. Nobody knows the answer to that question, no matter how many times it's asked. What I do know is that I'm moving away from the hills filled with poisonous giant centipedes and back to a country full of gnats, small spiders, and the occasional housefly. Because I am an American, and that's the sort of insect my emotional capabilities can properly handle.

Dust in the Wind, the Karaoke Story

Weather Crummy; Disappointed Females Trek to City

This weekend, due to crummy Tango weather and family duties, Natanya, Kate and I decided to take a literal rain check on our hike. Instead, Natanya and I drove down to Kameoka so we could head into Kyoto and play!

The morning started as crummy as the weather. I thought the elementary school next door told me that I could bring my recyclable cardboard (or cardboard boxes I've had since July 2007...) to the school between 7:30 and 10:30. So I showed up around 10 and one of the teachers/caretakers was there and he said, "Haha, they've gone home already." THANKS. So, stuck with cardboard, I said farewell to Kirby and drove South to Kaya. Natanya had plenty of cardboard waste too, so we placed it surreptitiously in the parking lot of a convenience store. Apologies to the 7-11 employees on Rt. 176.

Once in Kameoka, we snagged a free spot at the station and walked over to Laurel's apartment to meet her new friend, Kuma. I never knew rabbits had so much personality! This little boy or girl (we just don't know how to find out) thumped his feet when vexed, nibbled at our socks, and let us cuddle him as only a kind and thoughtful rabbit might. Meanwhile Margaret was wandering around muttering something about boys and dates... but... bunny... d'awwwwwwww.

Continuing on our day of planned fun-things, we took the train into Nijo to do some quickie purikura at the arcade and to see Star Trek with Greg, Ian, and Masahiro. Hooray for student prices and employees who believe that we are foreign exchange students! I don't think I'll be able to get away with that for too much longer... they might start to wonder once I'm 30.

Star Trek was vastly entertaining and the beers we all got helped our viewing pleasure go to where no man has gone before. Or something witty.

After that, people wanted food so we ate some kaiten sushi nearby, but this sadly cut the night short as people had last trains to worry about. So, all but me, Ian and Natanya went on in search of karaoke and more beer. We met up with Lauren, who changed her mind and went home.

Ian, Natanya and I ended up doing karaoke at two locations due to the waiting list at the first place. We are superstars, no lie. Natanya and Ian sang a 35 minute ballad by Bob Dylan while I weighed the options of eating my pastries now, or later. I chose later, and then tried to sing Kate Bush. Oof.

Somehow we ended up at Radio Clash around 2am and chatted, made paper cranes, and I texted everyone I knew that, simply, "I LOVE YOU." This was well received, and it's all true!

Around 3am, we poured ourselves into Ian's apartment and slept until the voices of children woke us up at 8am.

I have no explanation for this, other than it exists and I saw it.

So! Karaoke, sushi, movie, friends, and bunny all add up to one final note: MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.

Driving home was relaxed this afternoon... Natanya and I listened to podcasts and sipped water and watched the scenery turn from sunny to cloudy to drizzly. We were home! When I got back to my apartment complex, I had to wait a bit longer to get inside because three monkeys were playing in front of my doorstep! Blagh! Deftly (and after 15 minutes) I trundled my car slowly up the path, chasing them back into the jungle. As I carried my groceries inside, they glared at me from trees. Eep.

WE CAN'T KEEP THIS SECRET ANY LONGER!

Because the World Needs to Know:

We've all seen the news, and I'm not going to sugarcoat the situation. Hundreds of millions dead in Osaka, the unlucky survivors quickly turning to cannibalism. Hyogo has literally detached from the archipelago and sunk into the ocean. And now, we're hearing that someone's been infected in Shiga. We are surrounded, and all the masks and vigorous gargling in the world can't save us now.
~Gregory Q. Khezrnejat

I think Greg's e-mail about swine flu in Japan really says it all. After being asked for about 21 days striaght if "I felt OK", I think I can safely say that I do not have swine flu. I am however selfishly hoping that enough students get it that we can not go to school for a week. I could use the time to write down the reasons I still think of the Japanese people as 'sensible individuals who will not be convinced of the end of days by a kid with a cold in Kobe".

In other news I've sent 6 boxes back to the states. All of the boxes are sick with swine flu.

Now when I write Japan seems less strange… which is strange.

Now when I write, Japan seems less strange… which is strange.

September 15th until September 21st

“I was looking at his myspace … so … his space?”
Yumi’s incredible English never ceases to amaze me. This month she told me I was the “only gaijin she trusts”… which felt less Donnie Brasco and more kindly and sincere in person. Dinners with her have become less “dinner with my Japanese friend who speaks really good English” and more “dinner with my amazing friend.” For that I am thankful.

In other news at Honjo Jr. High School, Mr. Notani (noted Japanese teacher of English/live-action cartoon) is also a secret opera singer. He practiced singing with some of the students for the up-and-coming culture festival and nobody could hold back their amusement for his strange yet carrying vocal abilities. When a 3rd year finally said “Notani-sensei, umai!” (Mr. Notani, you the bomb-diggity) it was settled.

These days my incredible abilities as a dusty AET have increased to that of a pronunciation coach, which I so enjoy. Correcting the r/l/th/d/t sounds is my true calling, surely. However, it’s nice to get to know my misfit 3rd years at Ine a little more as I coach them for their 暗唱 (recitations, I think) at their culture festival. I can see the absurdity wash over their face as they pronounce “man” (like Stan) instead of “man” (like fawn). But you know what? THAT’S JUST HOW ENGLISH IS DEAL WITH IT. Kaai has proven to be a fun person to coach yet again for this year’s recitation contest. She really GETS what she’s saying and takes direction well. She is really a fabulous kid, and I hope she gets to travel extensively after working so hard in school so she can practice her English and have European love affairs!

As for my own participation in the Culture Festival this year, it fortunately involves NO KIMONO and NO SELF-INTRODUCTION. If I have my way, I will never wear a kimono again. That aside, I have compiled a large poster of a years work of my shuji from my first calligraphy attempts like 日本(Japan) to my latest attempts like 運転免許(driver's license) ／紫陽花 (hydrangea) etc. They look OK. At Ine JHS I am being forced to participate in the teacher’s 劇 (geki, or play). I have two lines in Japanese and I play the fisherman’s wife (the fisherman being played by the aging science teacher, what a catch!) I think I’d probably rather die than be in this play, but I suppose deep down it’s nice to be included. (That’s a lie.)

The later I stay for these recitation contest, recitation practice, teacher play practice, busy-in-general afternoons… I start to really wonder, “do these students ever go home?” The answer is no. Home is the enemy. Spare time is for communists. Family love and time spent together bred the Holocaust. Thank the kami-sama the Japanese know better. That only sounds bitter because it was written bitterly.

Adding to that, I am a bit bitter. Not in an actual way, but in a way that most 2nd year AETs probably get. There’s only so much time you can spend in Japanese countryside saying “wow Japanese culture is SO DIFFERENT – they eat so much seaweed and rice and they take their shoes off OFTEN! And look how small and cute they are and how hard they work!” Yeaaaah that’s so over. The droning, grizzled “good morning” in the office… the busy-bee teachers what swarm around me, the unknowing, uncaring (OVER-PAID) English fixture in the corner. The pay is starting to feel heavy with guilt. So very heavy. But knowing that I want to do a good job helps and knowing that I want to go on to do this as a real job and not a made-up half-job is inspiring as well. Soon enough, Rachel, soon enough.

The bitterness was interrupted when I was slicing up paper to make elementary school karuta (a game where kids smack each other in the face to win stickers) and a suzumebachi (big EFFING bee) flew through the window and into my face. I was physically thrown back. I think they weigh as much as a tonka truck and are a bit more frightening to be hit in the face by. I survived, and I think the giant bee did as well. Good times. You know, cuz it could have killed me. This brings me onto my next bug story – the biggest moth ever. I can’t believe how large moths can grow. I had one much larger than my hand land on my porch window. I wish I had taken a picture because it was totally awesome to look at. I also have no idea how it got through SPIDER VILLAGE™ (蜘蛛村) that was secretly built outside my 2nd story porch when I least expected it. At least 5 giant spiders live out there and their webs cascade like a mosquito net of terror across my balconey. I should start charging admission or rent or something. Mooching spiders.

Other than that, things like sports festival, hanging out in Yagi and up in Ine with people, playing dominoes, drinking a lot of rum, and enjoying the new bed that I finally bought have been good additions to my life this month. I apologize, I think that was the longest sentence ever.

Compiling and distributing the Ganbatte Times (a newsletter for the JET people in the prefecture) has given me something to do during my spare time at school or at home. I’m pretty excited about it being a monthly item on my ‘to-do’ list. I am even more excited that high-speed internet is coming to my small town in December.

FINALLY. FI-NA-LLY. OH. MY. GOD. I won’t even go into how much of me has died without the capability to communicate over video chat, watch movies/TV online, or do anything that I had become accustomed to in my last decade spent in the US and Europe. Anyway, yay internet! Let’s hope they are not lying.

That’s all for me. And all for the rice. It has been harvested, now the ground is sad and brown and bracing itself for the cold that we are overdue for. My sweaters are armed and ready.

Party in Honjo/Ine/Inaka/Your Mom

Party in Inaka; 6,000 Found Dead.

This weekend was a celebration of nothing in particular. A month ago I had decided to throw another party (the last party being Rachelmas™ back in December). Most of my good friends could come, which was good. A few couldn’t, which was too bad. The most interesting part was the RSVPing, which was usually acquaintances telling me that they ‘probably wouldn’t make my party unless nothing better came up’, which is always a delight to hear. Well, the turn out was a good number of people to the food and liquor that we had prepared. I have more liquor left over in my house than I could ever drink in a year.

Let’s go back in time to Friday, where I drove to Nishi-Maizuru to pick Ian and Megan up at the train station. What a great place to pick people up! It’s only an hour and 15 minutes away from my home and there are no tolls! I believe it’s also quite thrifty for the train passengers, which makes it an ideal Inaka-pickup place for future weekends. We immediately went to Karachi for curry and followed it up with a donut or two. After a lovely drive home (accompanied by Easy-E, as per usual), we watched cartoons and slept in the downstairs tatami room. We didn’t even need the heater! Kirby was pleased to see his favourite guests back in the house. The guests were equally pleased to see Kirby, who is now as big as a wild boar and twice as chubby.


Saturday I left around 1030 in the morning for Yagi (Greg’s town) which is about 30 km from Kyoto as I understand it. I got there in about two hours time and met Greg at the train station. We trained it to Nijo to meet Zara (who was visiting from Kyushyu after dropping her mother off at the airport). We all went hanami-watching [a term used to describe looking at blossoms] in the city while I did errands. Pet food, coffee, etc. The blossoms were indeed lovely! I shall have to plan a proper hanami picnic for next year, but I got my fill of pink flowers, which was my goal anyway. Two hours, one ice coffee, and a subway ride later, we met John ‘Nowun kan oonderstand me’ Blakeney at Nijo. He looked as though he’d been hit by the party truck. He immediately asked if he could have a shower at m house, and we jumped on the slowest train in the world back to Yagi. The ride back was quick and painless with a quick stop off at Miyazu’s most famous beauty spot: MIPPLE. An unbelievable load of snacks and booze and we were back in the car and driving to Ine.


The party was lovely, as I have mentioned. A great group of people came over, plenty of liquor was imbibed, and nobody got so drunk that they threw up in my house or yard, which is always a plus. I am always touched that people will drive all the way up to my town for a few hours of standing around in my kitchen eating pizza and chatting. It’s no small trek.

Around 3am, we called it a night and went to bed. No hangovers the next day, which was fantastic (and VERY different from Rachelmas™). The first problem in the morning was the realization that there was NO MILK. How did we drink a gallon of milk in one night? The answer: we COULDN’T HAVE. Someone had most certainly pilfered my milk. I drove some of the kids out to the Nishigaki about 20 minutes away to get milk and veggies for omelets. Zara made omelets and smoothies for us and we enjoyed them while forcing John to watch “The Little Mermaid” (my work here is done). Eventually it was time to go down to the train stations and get Zara and Greg home.



The only problem was that my car seats four people and we had six. Simple solution, three HUGE boys in the back (all being tall and or bootylicious), Megan in the front seat, and Zara curled up while sitting on Megan’s lap. [PEOPLE IN THE CAR] Zara is also about 16 feet tall, so that worked out as well as it sounds. A dangerous car ride to Amanohashidate saw Zara off! We then drove down to Ayabe to drop Greg off at the station which would save him money. He of course ended up on the SAME TRAIN as Zara. The earth is so small.

• The remainder of the lot found ourselves eating yakiniku and being ripped off on kimchee. Those bastards. Then an ice creamy goodbye and everyone hopped a train or two home. It was a very lonely trip back up to my inaka home, but all in all, a very satisfying and bank-draining weekend. Let’s do it again!

Yuppie Weekend/Sweeny Todd

On Friday, Leigh and I drove in her car down to the city. The roads are icier these days, so the Japanese people have put in hot water sprays that get rid of the ice on the asphalt. Only thing is, some of them reach your windshield and it's fairly terrifying.

I spent Friday night hanging with Megan and Greg watching The Prestige (which was kindly given to me by Desirae and Andy for my birthday) and eating PIZZA (honest to God pizza).

This is Greg. He always has a good time!

Saturday was going out for burgers at an Americana style burger 'joint' with Greg, John and Megan. It was a LOT of fun hanging out with those guys. And adding a burger joint and a dr. pepper to the mix, it felt like I wasn't in Japan.

Not long after, Megan and I put on some dresses and make up so we could look/feel fancy for the opera that Ian had gotten us tickets to! High heels make me walk... poorly. The opera, as it turned out, was a mix of professional singers and community theatre types. It was interesting, and ridiculous. The Japanese people in the crowd took any excuse to clap to the beat of a song, even if there wasn't really a beat at all. And despite the fact that they generally have no rhythm.

As we were all dressed up, we decided to grab some posh food at a restaurant I have forgotten the name of! We ordered lots of delicious dishes and alcohol (for me: espresso drinks as I was battling jet-lag). Twice it was mentioned that we were having a yuppie's night out. Posh food, posh clothes and the fact that we're all way too young to be taking ourselves seriously doing either.

Sunday Megan and I got together with Amy at her apartment downstairs (we were soon joined by Ian and Lauren). Amy fixed us up a 'southern breakfast' with walnut/banana/chocolate chip pancakes, sausages, (Megan made eggs), and tea! It was immensely delicious. We then wandered out to the city of Kyoto to see Sweeny Todd in an actual movie theatre. Japanese movies theatres are very fancy and I was pleased with the over all experience! Movie was good, too!

Then it was a long series of train rides back to Tango. However, fortunately for me, there was no snow to come home to. And there hasn't really been any snow all week!